i did something stupid last monday, then something even more stupid friday. now im stuck in this hole that i cant seem to get out. :(
i want to go backkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

a few things...
1) snow day today, though im not excited at all. i kinda wanted class actually...why?
2) the guy from booty text (refer to one of my earlier entries) just asked me to be his valentine. i dont like him at all...not in a romantic way i mean. he asked me if i liked him. i told him "i still dont know who i am and what i want to do, this is not the right time for me to date a guy." translation : i dont like you. but in all seriousness im proud of how i handled it. i used to be horrendous at rejecting guys. ive made quite a few guys cry....yeah.. my friend used to called the heartbreaker freshman year in college....wow...yayyy ive gotten better at dealing with guys who confess their feelings to me. go me!!!
im not really excited about this valentines day dinner that we re going on (thurs, im spending the real vday with girls!!!). but what the hell? free food, anyone? =p omg...im soooooooooooo bad. how can i pass up food though???nope i cant. its sin to say no to food.
3) housing problems!!!!! noooooooo!!!
goodnight

Once I start writing on the blog I just don't stop....
I was just thinking, this Valentine's Day will be the first time that I don't have a valentine since middle school! Wow, Jenny, Wow. I don't know how I feel about that. I guess I have mixed feelings. I will be spending it with two of my girlfriends (who are also dateless). I guess it's good in a way because at least they will be here for me in the long run whereas guys...come and go.
I can actually remember who bought me stuff and what they were on each Valentine's Day in the past six years. For my own interest, I would like to blog about it so that when I am 50 I can read about it and giggle...
2004 (freshman year in HS) - my first boyfriend ever bought me flowers! I believe he wrote me a card too.
2005 (sophomore year in HS) - This guy named Ed gave me a rose. He used to walk me from my locker to the where we waited for the buses every day after school lets out. Incidentally, I saw him last week on a Rutgers bus, he got fat....but then again who didn't? lol
2006 (junior year in HS) - my most serious ex didn't buy me anything for V day that year. He believed in "romance without finance". Those were his exact words. I remember asking him what he wants the day before and he said that he didn't want to exchange gifts. What a party pooper. However, we did exchange notes. Notes as in we wrote each other really long messages on paper and exchanged those. It was really sweet. After we broke up I destroyed everything, so obviously I don't have his note right now. I kinda wish I still had it...Also that year I also received gifts from two other guys. Lucky me...lol
2007 (senior year in HS) - By that point my ex and I weren't really doing well...but I think we still got together that day...hmm..I don't really remember what happened acutally..
2008 (freshman year in college) - I was STILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL somewhat involved with the same ex freshman year in college. Since he went to Lehigh (still goes to Lehigh I guess), we didn't see each other that day. But we webcammed. I visited him the weekend before V day. It was awful. I had to do it behind my parents' back so I didn't have a car. I spent 10 hours on public transportation that weekend. It was really awful. It takes roughly 1 hr and 20 min to drive from New Brunswick to Bethlehem, PA, but noooooo. I had to take...
1) Rutgers bus to the NB train station
2) Train to Newark Airport
3) Airtrain to go to the Transbridge (bus line) terminal in Newark airport
4) Transbridge Bus to Bethlehem, PA
5) Walk from the bus station to Lehigh University
That was just getting there....getting back was worse because I hit traffic...
ANYWAY, wow....
2009 (sophomore year in college) - This guy who used to like me asked me to be his valentine. Being the man-hater that I was, I told him straight up that I wasn't too excited and that I wasn't going to do anything for him (I was a bitch....). He bought me flowers anyway and delivered them to my dorm.

Well, I am not bitter about spending V day alone (with my girls!) this year. After all, I have matured a lot and have definitely found myself in the past few years. Not gonna lie, I won't be feeling my best when I see couples being lovey dovey on V day, but I will keep reminding myself that I love myself and that I am still on this never-ending journey of finding myself and that I believe I am becoming stronger every day.

Dear Rutgers,

You have never failed to screw me over. Every year around this time you make me mad, you make me cry, you make me want to slap a hoe. I just don't get this. How did you manage to screw me and my friends over three years in a row??!?!?! HOW???! All I want to do is to live in Richardson with my friends so that I can 1) walk to class in 5 minutes, 2) cook for my friends and myself because I am so amazing at it, 3) enjoy my last year of being an undergraduate with my non-pharmacy friends.
SIGHHHHHHHHHHHH
You left me with no choice. Now I am seriously considering being a commuter for the next two years.
=`(
Oh well, maybe you are trying to teach me a lesson. Maybe I should see the silver lining in everything. Maybe everything happens for a reason...?
Nah, as much as I try to believe the theory that everything happens for a reason, I don't. I always try to get the best that I can get. I will try my very best a find someone with a good lottery number so my two friends and I can live together, well, my current roommate and I at the very least. I will try to ask as many people as I humanly and socially can. I am signing up for roommateclick.com. I will do everything within my power. I don't want to commute, even though I live only 20 minutes away.
If everything fails....I know I will still live.
Thanks for giving me wrinkles on my forehead, Rutgers, as if I don't have enough shit to deal with right now. =(
What does not kill me makes me stronger, right?
Lastly, I just want to tell you that I will never donate money to you after I graduate. You don't deserve my money.
-A very disgruntled student

Booty Text

So I received a "booty text" Thursday night. WTF?
This guy on my floor came into my room Tuesday as I was getting ready to go to sleep. He confessed that he likes me. My reaction was like...okay...
Then he asked me to eat dinner with him on Thursday night, which I did. Dinner was okay. Nothing special. I am not into him at all so there wasn't firework or anything crazy like that.
Later that night he came into my room again...we ended up talking for 3 hrs. It was okay. We talked about really random things that I forgot already. He went back to his room at 1:30am. WAYYY past my bedtime.
I received a text at 2am, "So I really want to kiss you."
Me: "I don't know what to say to you...."
Him: "Come to my room."
Me: "....."
Him: " I really want to kiss you."
Me: " I only kiss guys who I like and know very well...so..."
Him:" Kissing is part of getting to know someone. I promise it'll be fun"
Me: "Well, I have to go to sleep. Good night."

WTF, why would he think I would kiss him....? Wtf. I know it's just kissing but I even take that seriously. Unless I like a guy very much I wouldn't do it. In fact, I have only kissed/made out with three guys in my life. The first two guys were guys I dated in high school. The last one was well....let's just say I got very drunk the night of Rutgersfest. LOL
I am so mad. Ever since I ended things with my highschool "bittersweet heart",I haven't had any luck with guys that I actually wouldn't mind dating. Granted, there have been a good number of guys that went after me in the past 2 1/2 yrs, I DIDN'T/DON'T LIKE ANY OF THEM, for very good reasons. The attention I received from those guys was more annoying rather than flattering. FML.
=____________________________________________=
Sometimes I think the loneliness is really getting to me because I have been single basically since college. I really miss the feeling of having someone. I miss it so much that...I almost talked to my ex this past week. Now this is very unusual because I am always the one that stops us from talking to each other.
I used to be very happy just being by myself. I did so many things, spent so many days by myself and was completely content. I used to refuse to think about dating and just genuinely wanted to be singe and be left alone. But now I feel like I actually want to be with someone. What happened to Miss Closed-Off???? Because I kind of want to be her again. Yes, that's it. I am going to go back to being Miss Closed-off and Miss I-Hate-All-Men.

Prayer Session

Wow, I went to a prayer session tonight with Alice after a legit Japanese dinner.....and I got my prayer answered....like one hour afterwards.
I am going to sleep with a smile on my face. =) Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee

1) I went on a ski trip this past weekend. I was pretty nervous to go at first because I didn't know anyone that was going, and honestly, that was the main reason why I went. I wanted to see what would happen and how I would act in that kind of situation. After all, I really had nothing to lose. It turned out pretty good. Skiing was definitely fun and I have about 20 bruises on me....not that I am scared of pain or something.

2) I was pretty down last semester because I felt like I did nothing besides studying and work. I felt hopeless. I felt like I didn't have time to do anything because I was putting in most of my time studying. Then I had an epiphany sometime in the past two days. I don't have to study all the time to do okay in my classes; I just need to be more efficient. I spent most of my time (80% at least) studying with a group with people from my class last semester. We would meet up at night or after class and study for what it seems like forever. I thought it was great. We helped each other with materials we didn't understand, shared notes, and encouraged each other. The only problem is the group is not efficient. We would spend 12 hours going over one Patho lecture. On days I didn't study with the group, I was able to go over a Patho lecture in 2 hrs and do just as well. So I've decided that I need to break away from the group and study by myself so I have more time to do non-pharmacy related things that I never got to do last semester. Of course, I will still join the group from time to time, but I really cannot afford going over every single detail and spending a weekend on just two lectures anymore. Actually, since last week, I've scheduled two or more social events/recreational class/or whatever a week for me to do. The goal is to reach out more, to do things I didn't get to do last semester, and to see what I can learn from every new activity that I do, every new person that I meet...etc. I hope I will be happier and feel more fulfilled....

3) The third topic I want to talk about is balance. Balance is the key to everything. Without balance, we feel lost, we feel down, we feel like something is wrong. Too much of everything isn't good. Too little of everything is good, also. I am not going to go into specific details about what I have too much or what I am lacking in my life. I just have this one question I keep asking myself, what do I do to get something that I want? The answer used to be, "just go get it." That was my solution to every problem I've had. I went straight to the solution, as aggressively as I possibly could. Now the answer seems blurry as I realized I can't get everything that I want. I keep trying, though. I never gave up. And that's why I love myself, for being persistent. I give myself so much credit for that. Life is a journey, not a destination.